Last night I was feeling a little bit lost and a little bit (lot a bit) sad. I was confused and angry and looking for some sort of answer, something to make sense. Led by this conglomeration of emotion, I wound up flipping through the Bible at an obscenely early hour in the morning, hoping that some passage would jump out at me and suddenly shine a light on everything.
After a few minutes of frustrated page turning, I decided to just settle in, read a few stories and go to sleep, so I turned to John. I had just started reading the story of Lazarus (Chapter 11), the one who was raised from the dead, and instead of feeling happy, like I normally do when reading that story, I became angry. Jesus raised this man from the dead. He can work miracles, so why Lazarus and not my Dad? I'm not saying that I was expecting Him to raise the dead for me, but is a little bit (lot a bit) of healing too much to ask?
Still frustrated, I kept reading. Both Mary and Martha come to Jesus and say "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." I found myself thinking, "Lord, if you had been there... weren't you there?" But shortly after this, John goes on to write,
33. When Jesus saw her [Mary] weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34. "Where have you laid him?" He asked.
"Come and see, Lord" they replied.
35. Jesus wept.
I read that line and I was suddenly crying.
Don't you see? Jesus did not weep for Lazarus, because He knew that Lazarus would be alive again. He wept for Mary and Martha, the people whose lives had been shattered, whose hearts were torn open, who felt loss and grief and loneliness. He wept for their sorrows, but not for Lazarus.
In the same way, I know that He did not weep for my Daddy, nor does He. He may weep for us, those of us left without a father, a husband, a brother, a son, a friend... in fact, I'm sure He does, and that gives me comfort to know that God feels my sorrow and heartache, to know that He understands. God, too, watched someone that He loved pray for death to end his last struggling breaths; He knows anguish and loss and mourning. So, yes. Jesus wept for Mary and Martha, and He weeps for me and my family whenever we cry out of loneliness or anger or fear. But He did not weep for Lazarus because He was soon to raise him back to life. How much better is it that He was not weeping when my Daddy died because He was raising him not to life on this earth but to eternal life? How could Jesus cry at death when He is so busy welcoming His faithful child into Heaven?
That was my answer.
Having an answer doesn't make the sadness go away, but it makes it easier to bear, knowing that God doesn't watch from afar, unmoved by my tears, but rather sheds tears of His own. It's like a hand to hold in the darkness, or a tissue offered by a good friend. It doesn't make the bad go away, but it's better than suffering alone.
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