So there's this little thing called candy. And I don't care if you eat it all of the time or some of the time, you know it's good. If you say that you eat it none of the time, you're lying and you know it. We all have our favorite types of candy. Some like Sour Patch Kids, some like Swedish Fish (for inexplicable reasons, they say that they are the same as Sour Patch Kids but they are, in fact, 1000% more disgusting), some like M&Ms, some like Skittles. Whatever your brand of candy, that's cool. Having a sweet tooth isn't a bad thing and sometimes it's just nice to munch on something while watching a movie or playing a board game.
Now, if you've ever eaten candy (which we've already established that you have) chances are you've heard of Twizzlers. Just in case you haven't, let me clear it up for you: Twizzlers are fake licorice treats made out of stringy red plastic, and that's about exactly what they taste like, too. Mmmm, sounds delicious, right? Of course not. Yet people buy them and ingest them. Whatever.
Infinitely more delicious are Redvines, and yet a disproportionately small number of people actually are aware of this candy's existence. Allow me to enlighten you: Redvines have been around before Twizzlers, making Redvines the original and Twizzlers the sad, flavorless copy. They have a texture that is actually like that of licorice rather than an old rubber boot and they taste like Heaven on freaking Earth.
"No, no." some of you are saying. "That's not what Redvines taste like at all! You're spreading lies, Redvines are-". I cut you off there (chloroform, useful stuff...) because I do not care if you agree with me or not. In all honesty, we could quibble about which is the better candy for years and never come to an accurate conclusion because it is all a matter of opinion. If it were a matter of taste, neither would win, because they are actually both terrible, artificially flavored sticks of sugar and gluten. Sorry, it had to be said.
"But wait, now you're contradicting yourself! You just said that Redvines tasted like Heaven on Earth. Why don't you-". Seriously, I have a limitless supply of chloroform, stop interrupting.
Redvines taste like Heaven on Earth because that's how I want them to taste. Don't you see? Redvines aren't about the taste. They stopped being about the taste when I turned seven or eight and learned to distinguish between actual flavor and just super sweet. It isn't about eating corn syrup and wheat flour and Artificial Flavor and Red 40. If it were about that, I would find something better to do, like inject pure fructose into my veins.
No, eating Redvines is about eating something that I have shared with every person I have ever cared about. And if you're feeling sad because I haven't eaten a Redvine with you, I'm sorry, it was probably due to lack of funds rather than lack of love.
Remember the Pensive from Harry Potter? And the memories were like silver liquid that they would pour into the rune inscribed stone basin and then they would be able to watch the memories as if they were actually there? Redvines are like that except that you can eat them.
Eating a Redvine I remember the time that my dad and stepmom made mixed drinks in these red striped martini glasses and drank them through redvine "straws" and we were all laughing because they looked ridiculous and they had to keep changing out their straws. I remember the many, many times that my grandma and my sister and I would buy a huge barrel of 100 Redvines and stay up late watching as many inappropriate movies as we could find on TV, or playing board games and laughing until we cried because we were all sleep deprived and slap happy. I remember sitting with my Daddy in the hospital watching Iron Man 2 and then Thor and sharing Redvines with him while complaining about the hospital alarms going on. There might have been a fire, we didn't care. We were eating Redvines. I remember watching the faces of my friends as they tried a Redvine for the first time. Some were surprised, some were appalled, some tried to eat all of them.
So whatever you candy preference, I'm sure there's one candy that brings back memories of childhood or high school or college or all three. Or, if you're like me, most candies bring back memories, but that's just because my memories attach easily to objects and smells and people.
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